Body Issue Backstory- Part two

You can read part one of my body backstory here.

We welcomed Langston in August of 2008

 

This picture is fall of 2008. I hate this picture- to me it just shows how little effort I was putting into my appearance.I still own those jeans- can't fit them- but I have them.

My weight story isn't one of extreme pounds gained or lost. But I'm short and ten pounds either way makes an impact.

I remember a conversation I had with my brother Doug that has stuck with me. He is fit, extrmemely fit and stupid in shape (like decide two days before a triathalon that he's gonna do it and have no problem- ridiclious).  I think Langston was a year and a half old and he said casually something about me gaining weight (not in a mean way, in an I'm concerned about you way). My response was that I just had a baby, he said Denise, he's a year and half old.

But in my mind I had JUST had a baby.

Langston joining our family was a really tough adjustment. We weren't ready and it tested us. I wouldn't change anything and I love Langston but it was hard. There were days that I didn't think my marriage would survive it- alot of days actually.

We just survived and we lived in survival mode for a long time.

Somehow in there I managed to start working out and was a regular at 5:30 A.M. gym classes for quite a while.

April 2009

 

I slimmed down and in August of 2009, my bff and I took a trip to Florida together.

That trip defines the time that I have felt the most confident in my adult body. I wore a bikini on the beach and wasn't too preoccupied with sucking in my stomach or sitting a certain way on the beach so I looked ok. It was a good feeling.

 

2010 brought alot of changes to my life. In March I quit a job that I had been at for over 5 years with no real plan of what to do next. The job was very stressful and I felt it was time for me to move on.

And then in July, my little brother Aaron commited suicide and rocked me to my core (that is also a whole other post in itself.)

 

It was probably the hardest event in my life that I have experienced to date. I was physically ill for weeks and I couldn't eat. The stress of dealing with all that is involved in a tragedy like that was debilitating on my body. I began to lose weight rapidly.

I was eating merely enough to keep my body going, anymore than that and I would throw it up. It sucked.

I remember specifically on Halloween of that year seeing my bff's roomie that I hadn't seen in months and she said to me "Girl you look amazing, you have lost a ton of weight". and I had.

I was the smallest I have EVER been.

But the problem with stress weight loss is that eventually life balances back out and the negative eating and exercise habits that became a norm during the time of stress stick around. Then your left with a recipe for weight gain and you guessed it, I gained weight back.

August 2011

 

October 2011- don't get me wrong, I love this pic of our family, but my face is super round.

 

 

May 2012- one week before I had Monroe

June 4,2012

 

And life goes on and here I am in October of 2012. I have to come to grips that yes I just had a baby but no i didn't JUST have a baby. She's 4 months old, I can work out. My body is not my sweet baby's fault.
I feel like for the first time I am actually putting in the effort that it takes to make lasting change rather than just wishing and wanting and bitching and moaning.

I started on October 2, 2012 a Tuesday at 161.2.
7 days later on 10.9.12 I weighed 159.2.
that's two solid pounds.

I'm not gonna lie and say I dont wish it was more but slow and steady is just fine too...