Body Issue Backstory-part one

I wouldn't say that I have ever had a weight problem but I've pretty much always had a problem with my weight.

If I think back the first I remember being insecure about my body was in highschool.

I was on the dance team - because my friends were on the dance team.

They were serious and tried and put forth effort and had the bodies that came from hard work and genuine exercise.

I would do the dances at practice but just enough to get by.

and then I would go home from practice and eat an entire bag of chips for a snack.

Not because I was binge eating-because I was hungry and I could.

That was my attitude about food. My weight never fluctuated very much and I could eat what I wanted.

Fast forward to college and it was more of the same. Freshman year I think i probably gained 5 pounds but nothing too noticeable and my clothes still fit so I was fine.  I began to become my own person and I was happy; with my body and myself.
I could wear the clothes I wanted and I was confident.

Sophomore year I got a job waiting tables and I was running around at work and that helped me to maintain. I was eating crap-I would eat diner food at the Cafe I worked at for lunch everyday. Fantastic food but NOT healthy.

I met Mike and we started dating and I got comfortable.
(He has always found me attractive and tells me so often.  I think over the years knowing that in the back of my head has allowed me to be lazy and let my body slide.)

I got married in 2003 (right before the explosion of digital pictures-so I don't have any).

My weight was constant and steady. Sure I wanted to lose weight for the wedding/ honeymoon but I didn't. I was content in my body.

In 2004 my dad got sick and I lived close. I was juggling college and working and helping my mom take Dad to Dr. appt and after he got sicker making the drive to downtown (about 1& 1/2 hour one way)  everyday to see him after classes.  And when he died three days before my first anniversary, it crushed my world.
He was my rock, my constant, my person that I called when I needed someone- and he was gone.

The grief and stress affected my appetite and my body- I lost weight. But not the good way, the crappy, stress driven way. 

It was a crappy year and to be completely honest I don't remember alot of it. I know it sucked and I know I was merely surviving each day in my grief. It was hard- on my me, on my marriage, on my body. I can't be sure but I probably close to 15 pounds in the year after his death.

I had my first son, Keddie in October of 2005.

He was great but I had a hard time. I was working full time and money was tight and I fell into deep post partum depression. I just thought I was sad and I was proud, too proud to ask for help.

It effected me in a lot of ways (that's a whole different post), but definitely I gained weight.

I didn't have a ton of baby weight from the pregnancy, I couldn't blame him- it was all mine. 

This was in the fall of 2006- he was 12 months.

 The depression was isolating and I honestly don't think that I knew how bad it was when I was in it.

Looking back, it is truely a testament of my inner strength that I was able to come out of it on my own.  

October 2007- his 2nd birthday

Shortly after that we got pregnant again with Langston.

March  2008 -  I was four months pregnant with Langston.

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow...