The Nectar of the Gods

I was sitting next to a woman drinking a Coke and I found myself wanting to steal it.

I wanted it -BAD.

I have been "off" soda (Dr. Pepper really) for about 2 months. I will still have one occassionally when I eat out but I don't buy it to have at home anymore.

I miss it. I have always affectionately referred to it as the "nectar of the Gods".

I have not had the dramatic weight loss that some people do when they give up soda

I have not had increased energy

I have not had any positive side effects-

I miss it and I find myself wanting one often.

Buuuuut...

I'm gonna hold strong in hopes that my body will finally decide to let go of those stubborn Dr. Pepper pounds.

This weight loss journey is not for the faint of heart, it's hard and it sucks and yeah I may be whining a little bit.

But as long as I suck it up and hit the gym, a little whine won't hurt me.

Body Issue Backstory- Part two

You can read part one of my body backstory here.

We welcomed Langston in August of 2008

 

This picture is fall of 2008. I hate this picture- to me it just shows how little effort I was putting into my appearance.I still own those jeans- can't fit them- but I have them.

My weight story isn't one of extreme pounds gained or lost. But I'm short and ten pounds either way makes an impact.

I remember a conversation I had with my brother Doug that has stuck with me. He is fit, extrmemely fit and stupid in shape (like decide two days before a triathalon that he's gonna do it and have no problem- ridiclious).  I think Langston was a year and a half old and he said casually something about me gaining weight (not in a mean way, in an I'm concerned about you way). My response was that I just had a baby, he said Denise, he's a year and half old.

But in my mind I had JUST had a baby.

Langston joining our family was a really tough adjustment. We weren't ready and it tested us. I wouldn't change anything and I love Langston but it was hard. There were days that I didn't think my marriage would survive it- alot of days actually.

We just survived and we lived in survival mode for a long time.

Somehow in there I managed to start working out and was a regular at 5:30 A.M. gym classes for quite a while.

April 2009

 

I slimmed down and in August of 2009, my bff and I took a trip to Florida together.

That trip defines the time that I have felt the most confident in my adult body. I wore a bikini on the beach and wasn't too preoccupied with sucking in my stomach or sitting a certain way on the beach so I looked ok. It was a good feeling.

 

2010 brought alot of changes to my life. In March I quit a job that I had been at for over 5 years with no real plan of what to do next. The job was very stressful and I felt it was time for me to move on.

And then in July, my little brother Aaron commited suicide and rocked me to my core (that is also a whole other post in itself.)

 

It was probably the hardest event in my life that I have experienced to date. I was physically ill for weeks and I couldn't eat. The stress of dealing with all that is involved in a tragedy like that was debilitating on my body. I began to lose weight rapidly.

I was eating merely enough to keep my body going, anymore than that and I would throw it up. It sucked.

I remember specifically on Halloween of that year seeing my bff's roomie that I hadn't seen in months and she said to me "Girl you look amazing, you have lost a ton of weight". and I had.

I was the smallest I have EVER been.

But the problem with stress weight loss is that eventually life balances back out and the negative eating and exercise habits that became a norm during the time of stress stick around. Then your left with a recipe for weight gain and you guessed it, I gained weight back.

August 2011

 

October 2011- don't get me wrong, I love this pic of our family, but my face is super round.

 

 

May 2012- one week before I had Monroe

June 4,2012

 

And life goes on and here I am in October of 2012. I have to come to grips that yes I just had a baby but no i didn't JUST have a baby. She's 4 months old, I can work out. My body is not my sweet baby's fault.
I feel like for the first time I am actually putting in the effort that it takes to make lasting change rather than just wishing and wanting and bitching and moaning.

I started on October 2, 2012 a Tuesday at 161.2.
7 days later on 10.9.12 I weighed 159.2.
that's two solid pounds.

I'm not gonna lie and say I dont wish it was more but slow and steady is just fine too...
  

 

 

Body Issue Backstory-part one

I wouldn't say that I have ever had a weight problem but I've pretty much always had a problem with my weight.

If I think back the first I remember being insecure about my body was in highschool.

I was on the dance team - because my friends were on the dance team.

They were serious and tried and put forth effort and had the bodies that came from hard work and genuine exercise.

I would do the dances at practice but just enough to get by.

and then I would go home from practice and eat an entire bag of chips for a snack.

Not because I was binge eating-because I was hungry and I could.

That was my attitude about food. My weight never fluctuated very much and I could eat what I wanted.

Fast forward to college and it was more of the same. Freshman year I think i probably gained 5 pounds but nothing too noticeable and my clothes still fit so I was fine.  I began to become my own person and I was happy; with my body and myself.
I could wear the clothes I wanted and I was confident.

Sophomore year I got a job waiting tables and I was running around at work and that helped me to maintain. I was eating crap-I would eat diner food at the Cafe I worked at for lunch everyday. Fantastic food but NOT healthy.

I met Mike and we started dating and I got comfortable.
(He has always found me attractive and tells me so often.  I think over the years knowing that in the back of my head has allowed me to be lazy and let my body slide.)

I got married in 2003 (right before the explosion of digital pictures-so I don't have any).

My weight was constant and steady. Sure I wanted to lose weight for the wedding/ honeymoon but I didn't. I was content in my body.

In 2004 my dad got sick and I lived close. I was juggling college and working and helping my mom take Dad to Dr. appt and after he got sicker making the drive to downtown (about 1& 1/2 hour one way)  everyday to see him after classes.  And when he died three days before my first anniversary, it crushed my world.
He was my rock, my constant, my person that I called when I needed someone- and he was gone.

The grief and stress affected my appetite and my body- I lost weight. But not the good way, the crappy, stress driven way. 

It was a crappy year and to be completely honest I don't remember alot of it. I know it sucked and I know I was merely surviving each day in my grief. It was hard- on my me, on my marriage, on my body. I can't be sure but I probably close to 15 pounds in the year after his death.

I had my first son, Keddie in October of 2005.

He was great but I had a hard time. I was working full time and money was tight and I fell into deep post partum depression. I just thought I was sad and I was proud, too proud to ask for help.

It effected me in a lot of ways (that's a whole different post), but definitely I gained weight.

I didn't have a ton of baby weight from the pregnancy, I couldn't blame him- it was all mine. 

This was in the fall of 2006- he was 12 months.

 The depression was isolating and I honestly don't think that I knew how bad it was when I was in it.

Looking back, it is truely a testament of my inner strength that I was able to come out of it on my own.  

October 2007- his 2nd birthday

Shortly after that we got pregnant again with Langston.

March  2008 -  I was four months pregnant with Langston.

Stay tuned for part two tomorrow...